You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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