Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
