We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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