Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We left an ass print on the piano.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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