I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
