You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
