Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
