"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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