if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
