On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
