We need to rekindle our bromance
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
