I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
