I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
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