umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
