If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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