Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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