textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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