I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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