Don't make out with my wife yet
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
