my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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