He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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