Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
