i think i have two assholes
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
