I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
