I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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