I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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