just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
