Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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