just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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