The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
