I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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