Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
