One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
