I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
