The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just had sex on a roof
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
