a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
