Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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