She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
