i just sent this text using only my big toe
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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