This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
