His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
