I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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