Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
