Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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