He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
