its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
