Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
