he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
