So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
