oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
