WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize