I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
