i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
