i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
