You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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