went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
