After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
