Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
