I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
