Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
