i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
