I just cut my nipple shaving
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
