Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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