I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
