we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
