At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
