I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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