the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
