so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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