omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
