I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
