Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize