How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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